So, spring break has begun. We reached the end of the 2nd quarter of our school, and now I'm headed to Denver for a week to see my brother and relax a little bit before jumping into the prophets, before the soon-coming end of the school in June. I will certainly miss the school and the people here, but I am ready to go home, at least for a little while.

The quarter has been a struggle. The work hasn't been a problem, and doing a lot of work has never really been an issue. But emotionally, spiritually, and mentally (non-worked based) has been one of if not the most draining experience of my life. I spent so much of the quarter with so much uncertainty, whether it was in regards to certain theological issues, or uncertainty regarding what was going to come after this school. It's been a long, arduous time, but one I am grateful for both to have gone through, and now feel that I am coming out of slowly. I feel as though this time has humbled me, that it has stripped me of what little knowledge I possessed and what few certainties I had, and made me start to reestablish myself inside of God. Pieces of me have been broken, or rebroken I guess, and now I am starting to be pieced back together a little bit.

I feel as though a lot of this stemmed from what I was going to do after my SBS. Coming into this school, I felt like God had laid out some very clear steps for where he wanted me to head, and how I was going to get there. SBS was the first step, and then some time at home to give back out of everything I have learned over the last year and a half, before getting into some more leadership and teaching based schools, and seeing what came from that. But somewhere during the school, the idea of staffing SBS schools started to sound very appealing, and after some random comments from other staff thinking that I would be a good fit, I started to lean toward that. I got an application, and filled it out, but I never quite felt right about handing in it. Around this time, the idea of Titus (a teaching school that follows SBS) and DTS Equip (a leadership school) came up, and both of those sounded appealing. But shortly after I started considering all of these ideas, I realized that I was being kind of an idiot. I realized I was being steered by my emotions, and by the good-vibes about whatever came up. And during this time where I was considering all of these things, I was just unhappy. I just wasn't alright with where I was, and the anxiety/confusion I was putting on myself just didn't help anything that all. Around this time, I started to seriously question why I wanted to even staff SBS schools, or be a teacher at all, in the first place. And what I quickly saw (or God revealed to me) was that I wanted to get involved with this teaching for my own glory. Pride had snuck in and took a nice comfy seat inside me, and started steering my mind in a direction that would ultimately lead to giving me the most personal satisfaction. And once I started questioning my motives, everything else became irrelevant, as whatever I did was going to be tainted by my own ego, which isn't a healthy place to do everything out of.

Sometime recently, past couple weeks or so, during this time of my self questioning of motives regarding my future, I felt like God reminded me of something very important. I felt like while I was worrying about what was to come, that he was essentially saying 'What are you worried about? I already told you.' And there it was. That was the direction I had been seeking, the answer to my worries, the reminder of the path that God had put me on, and why I had been so discouraged and confused over the past few months. I was trying to take myself off of what God had provided for me, I had gotten selfish and arrogant, making things more about me than they should have been. God is doing something with me, I'm not sure what, but the reasons he is putting me through this school and the future schools means he is doing something that will lead me into something that isn't going to be about me. He seems to be training me to exist for other people, to grow personally in order to share that growth with whomever needs it. I get to experience this ride, but ultimately, there are more people here with me than I can see. This time has far less to do with me than I had come to believe.

And ultimately, understanding (I think, at least) what God's plan going forward is, is what has been bringing me peace, and bringing me out of that time of anxiety and confusion. I feel like I am getting back to where God had me 6 months ago at the start of this thing, but I feel like my heart has been broken and rebuilt in a way that it wasn't before. It has taught me the reliance I cannot put in myself, and reminded me about how pride can ruin even the most noble of goals, and how it can happen without you even knowing it.

And abrupt ending, but that is all I have to say. Just know, above all, more important than anything I can tell you, that God is good.

-Josh Miller

So it has again been a while since my last post, and while not excuse is an acceptable one, if there were one, working through the Pentateuch (Genesis through Deuteronomy) in the three weeks since I've posted would be the best.

In the last post I had just started Genesis, and since then we have completed (as a school) Exodus, Numbers and Leviticus. They were all altered assignments, as for all three we didn't have a normal amount of time to due them (a normal amount being about a week). We did Numbers and Leviticus in about a 10 day span, which was pretty grueling. Numbers especially. As a whole, the books themselves have been awesome, but they are quite exhausting, and I am looking forward to finishing Deuteronomy later this week, so there will be a bit of a break from the big books for a while.

So something practical that I can share from the work I've been doing is how all of them, in different ways, explain the aspects of who God is, who man is, and how that works together in the relationship between man and God. The books themselves show a progression in what God is doing, as Genesis shows God making a people, Exodus shows God freeing a people, Leviticus shows God separating a people, and Numbers shows God leading a people. So over the books you really get a sense that God is a personal God, that he is continually working for the salvation and relationship with his people (ultimately being fulfilled in Jesus).

So while God is doing all the amazing stuff, you see a brutally sad glimpse into the brokenness and depravity of man. The sins of people continually grow and grow into an ever more shockingly way, which allows you to understand why the people need God, why we need God. Humans are naturally selfish, while God is naturally giving.

All of this leads into an interesting display of the relationship between man and God. Numbers is perhaps best served for this, because rather than one or two people dealing with God at a time, it is an entire nation that he is working with in getting them to the promised land. The generosity, provision, and protection of God are seen all over that book, as he constantly forgives the people for turning from him. And when he ultimately does judge them, even though a generation dies, ultimately his people still do receive their promise.

I'm doing a terrible job at explaining what is going on in the books, so my best recommendation would be to read them for yourselves, and then ask any questions you may have. My mind is a bit mush right now.

Anyway, life is good, it goes on. I'm pretty tired, but I guess that's normal. As far as prayer requests, please pray for continued endurance and wisdom, as I keep pushing into the Word, and trying to find what it has to say.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Joshua Miller

Alright, so it's been a long time since my last post, I realize. I am about a month in to the second quarter, and we have finally started the Old Testament. I have been working on Genesis the past few days, and will continue to be for the better part of next week. It is an interesting if not a very long book, and the work load has gone into another level due simply to the size of the book. I enjoy it a lot, so far, and look forward to see what the rest of it has to offer.

We did Revelation a couple of weeks ago, which was a really fascinating book to learn about. I probably don't have enough time to explain everything about it in the span of one blog post, but if you decide to read it yourself, keep two things in mind: what everything would have meant to the original reader of the book, and that most of if not the entire thing is figurative. Great book, overall.

The week before that, we did the gospel of John. That was by far the hardest week in the school for me, as I was strained on several levels. I had to do my work duty, which is preparing and cleaning up breakfast, which is about a 2 1/2 hour commitment on top of an already heavy workload (John was the biggest book we'd done to that point). So I was extra tired most of the week. And going through the book, I had some pretty heavy questions regarding some of the theological points of the book (when Jesus talks about people coming to the Father in chapter 6, especially, and the kind of predestination-y tone behind it). And over the beginning of the week, I found myself seriously questioning what it is that I believe, and figuring out how to reconcile what I thought I knew about God, and had a bunch of questions about grace and what it really looks like and what it means and what it means in regards to God. It was over-all just unpleasant, as it is weird going from a strong place in God, and being excited about knowing him, to questioning whether or not he even exists. It was a frustrating week over-all, that left me pretty rattled and broken, something that I'm slowly coming out of.

So, the spiritual side of things this quarter have been rough. That has kind of been the theme of this quarter, so far. I find myself struggling to remain faithful in regards to provision, and actually being able to stay here past Genesis. I find that the longer I am here, the more uncomfortable I feel socially. Rather than growing closer to people in the community, I feel the distance is only growing farther apart. My health has been shaky, as well, in several different ways, and in general it is something I am often nervous about. So over-all this quarter has been a struggle for me, spiritually, mentally, physically, socially. In many ways, I feel lost. But I am clinging on to God, knowing he'll bring me through to the other side. I have no idea how, or what that will look like, but I know remaining in God is the only hope of coming out the other side. I've seen that hold true too many times, in far darker circumstances, to doubt that.

So, in the midst of everything, there is hope. Ultimately, that is what God affords us. He gives us the ability to essentially live outside of whatever circumstances we are going through, and instead bury ourselves as deep inside his promises as we possibly can, and know they will hold true. God is the hope of a better life in the present (spiritually, if not physically), and an eternal life in the future.

If you have any questions, or want details on anything else, please feel free to ask.

Sincerely,

Joshua Miller